A Place to Start

I feel a little silly about this. I am a 33 year old stay at home Mom and I am starting a blog about being truly goth. This is just a place for me to start piecing together ideas for an article/book/whatever about the misconceptions of goths and the culture itself. And a place for me to identify and defend the ideas central to goth philosophy, and no that does not mean long discussions about the best black hair dye or white face paint.

Another school shooting happened the other day and the kid happened to be "goth", at least in appearance. So the "experts" are out once more with all their condemnations and "warnings" about goth kids. I have had it with the medias rants about kids in black being disturbed and asking for help. Not every goth kid is struggling, actually I think most are excelling and taking in the world around them in a way their peers may not be. And...not every goth kid loves Marylin Manson and wants to go shoot up a school. Quite the contrary, often these kids are persecuted and would never want to persecute others because they have true empathy.

I have so much buzzing in my head about this that it is hard for me to organize my thoughts...so...I am going to use this as a place for some stream of conscious babble. I figure if I spew out a lot of this maybe I can then start to organize.


First, why do I care about this or feel so strongly. Maybe because as a "weird" kid who grew up in the shadow of Jerry Falwell in Lynchburg, Virginia I feel a personal connection to the topic. I was a goth girl...of course I didn't know that is what I was for a long time. The stars were in my favor to make me a little different though. My grandmother was a town fortune teller, in a town known for its bible thumping. That helped set me on a path and made me, not only comfortable, but proud of being Different. For as long as I can remember I didn't want to be like everyone else and wanted to separate myself from others in any way I could. The easiest way to set your self apart is with your appearance, and I found this to be a very effective way to be excluded by people who were not comfortable with creative types.

In kindergarten I cut out a red circle of construction paper and taped it to my nose. I wore that taped to my nose for a good six months on every occasion I could. I wore it to the store, to school on walks wherever I could. Not cause I thought I was a clown, but because I identified with Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He was a hero, this outcast condemned for who he was, but when it came down to it it was what made him different that made him a value in the world. It just took the rest of the world a while to figure that out. At five years old I felt like Rudolph and I were kindred spirits.


In elementary school, I remember wearing two different colored shoes and my clothes inside out as my first endeavour into fashion statements. Luckily, my parents were very supportive of my need to express my individuality. They indulged my desires and allowed me to try out different looks. Usually these looks were not at all "goth". Growing up in rural Virginia in the days before the Internet, and with only basic cable, did not really lend itself to knowing much about the world outside. Much less different subcultures, I thought everyone loved Jerry Falwell except me and my Grandmother.

A quick meeting with a friend's cousin in middle school helped widen my perspective. He was "different", he wore a black leather jacket, and let me listen to some music I had never heard of. He left me with a mix tape of stuff he listened to which allowed me to hear The Cure, Siouxsie and Depeche Mode for the first time. That opened the door to this other world. There was music outside of the radio. I mean, I didn't even have MTV at the time. So I discovered that I had to dig a bit to get away from Debbie Gibson and Tiffany, but that the search was worth it. This also let me look back at older music and record albums my parents had hidden in our living room closet. Then I started listening to The Beatles, The Doors and Led Zeppelin. Of course, I was still listening to the radio too and won't deny an interest in some bad hair bands. But music suddenly had meaning in a new way.

In middle school I still did not look goth. I was trying out different looks, going to thrift stores and searching for the perfect piece that no one else had. I was trying out some weird make up at this point, not black lipstick though. I painted rainbows on my eyelids and loved bright red lipstick. Despite the fact it was truly unflattering.

I went through a period of trying on some different stereotypical looks, I tried the heavy metal thing, I tried the hippie thing. It wasn't till late in my junior year that I started to try the black clothes thing, and lord knows I was doing it all wrong. Then the summer between my junior and senior year I was accepted to a summer art camp in Georgia. There I meet some people I deeply felt a connection with, and learned about goth for the first time. Suddenly it made sense, and I loved the aesthetic of goth culture. So when I returned to Lynchburg for my senior year at Heritage High School I was able to come back with a better understanding of my place in the world and a stronger identity. I wasn't the least bit weird really, I was just in a small town run by a hate monger for the religious right. I was strong in my sense of self, and comfortable knowing when I left Lynchburg for art school I would meet plenty of people I could connect to. And I did.

It was not till I went away to college at Virginia Commonwealth University that I felt comfortable being labeled goth. I mean, no one ever wants a label, but other people see you and make labels for you and I was o-kay with being labeled as a goth girl. I mean, I did wear fishnets almost everyday, used a lot of black eyeliner and dyed my hair black. I meet other like minded people, that did not necessarily appear to be goth, but they had the goth mindset (which I will discuss later). That way of thinking is really what I believe is central to being goth. The black clothes, fishnets, vinyl and hair dye is just a perk.

I went to "goth" clubs, discovered tons of new music and also discovered just because a person looks goth, does not mean they are. Anyone can fake it. Many people do. I mean, the goth look is really easy to try on, and fun to pretend with. However, not every kid who finds some black velvet leggings is actually embracing the ideas central to being really goth.

Now it is many years later. I have recently stopped dying my hair black cause I think it washes me out, I don't feel the need to wear black all the time (although I still gravitate to it on sales racks), I still listen to some of the music I discovered but happily embrace lots of other genres as well. I'm a mom, a wife, an artist, a teacher and deep down I will always be a little goth. So when I see these experts on television espousing what amounts no nothing more than discrimination and a lack of understanding, it bothers me more than a little. It bothers me enough to feel like I need to identify the positive side of goth culture. The side that made me feel better about who I am, comfortable being myself and proud that I am not average. So I am starting this blog, in defense of the dark.